Over the last few months, the topic of boundaries has come up a lot in my coaching sessions and workshops. So much so that I decided to set aside some time to delve deeper into the subject and see what others were saying. In this article I share what I have learnt. I hope that reading it gives you a better understand of your boundaries and what you can do to implement them effectively.
Boundaries represent the expectations, priorities, and limits that an individual wants or needs from their relationships and interactions with others. We have boundaries to keep us safe, to make us feel comfortable, and to provide the conditions for us thrive. Our boundaries change depending on the relationship, the environment, and the situation. Some boundaries are flexible, whilst others are non-negotiable.
There is an abundance of information on the different types of boundaries and the importance of setting “healthy” ones. However, there is less about the process of effectively identifying and establishing boundaries. Therefore, this article will aim to shed more light on this process.
From the information I read, I´ve come to the conclusion that there are four key steps to consider. I have represented them with the simple acronym “DEAR”:
1. Define – identify what boundary is wanted and needed.
2. Establish – translate the boundary into behaviour, action.
3. Announce – communicate the boundary to others.
4. Respect – honour the boundary.
We will briefly explore each step below, and I´ve also included “homework” tasks at the end of each section to help you apply them in your life. If you want to see any results, you will need to do your homework.
1. Define
Figuring out what your boundaries are is where you need to start. Now I realise this seems to be stating the obvious but believe me most of us don´t begin here. Instead, what tends to happen is our boundaries find us, and by that I mean, we discover a boundary once it´s been crossed:
Mary has recently been promoted and is working long hours, including the weekend. She feels overwhelmed. Her boss keeps giving her more and more work to do. Mary begins to feel resentful and frustrated as her work piles up, but says nothing.
Feeling resentful, overwhelmed or anxious over a period, particularly in a relationship or situation, can be a sign that we need to put a boundary in place to help establish priorities or expectations.
Once we have identified a need for a boundary, we need to find out exactly what it is. Start by asking: “What is important to me about this situation/relationship? What do I need in place to thrive?”
To continue with the above example, for Mary it is important to have a manageable workload. To thrive she needs more control over the work she takes on.
At this stage the nature of the boundary should begin to emerge. When defining it, it can help to think about what you want to happen in the future:
In Mary´s case: To have a degree of autonomy over her work.
Homework:
Define some potential boundaries for you. You can either write a list or use the method below:
- Think of an area in your life where you regularly feel resentful, frustrated, upset.
- What is important to you about this situation/relationship? What do you need to thrive?
- Do you need a boundary in place?
- If so, what boundary encapsulates what you need or want going forward?
When we are proactive rather than reactive in defining our boundaries, we gain better insight into the conditions we need to thrive. Thus, we avoid or at least reduce the possibility of situations like Mary´s happening.
2. Establish
This is the step most of us will be familiar with, setting boundaries. Once we define a boundary, it needs to be translated it into something tangible, an action/behaviour/habit that people can see:
Boundary: To stick to working hours
Action: To leave work no later than 18.30 and to not work weekends.
When we set a boundary, it is also helpful to think about who it will affect and how flexible you are willing to be. This will help you to be clear on the circumstances in which you are willing to let that boundary be crossed or not:
I am willing to stay late or work weekends to help my team if there is an emergency.
Homework:
- Ask yourself: What action(s) can I do that align with my boundary?
- How will this impact on others?
- How flexible am I willing to be?
Finally, it is important to think about how the people affected by your boundary will receive it. This has a significant influence on how you will communicate it.
3. Announce
Relationships improve when people understand and respect what and where boundaries are. For this to happen we need to tell people our boundaries and do it in a way that is effective and considerate. For some of us the sheer idea of communicating our boundaries to others can be stressful and provoke feelings of guilt, fear etc. And knowing how to do it in a way that they are clearly understood and accepted can cause great concern. In fact, sometimes we choose to ignore or cross our own boundaries for the sake of avoiding these unpleasant feelings.
If you are one of those people, then here are some useful tips that I came across. Hopefully they will make it easier and more comfortable for you to communicate your boundaries:
· Stay simple – don´t over explain yourself. (I need to practice this one as well)
I can work during the week until 18.30.
· Highlight what you can do rather than what you can´t.
I can take on more projects in a month’s time.
· Tell people what you want rather than what you don´t want.
I would like to have more autonomy over my work.
· Agree it up front so there is no ambiguity.
We all agree that Monday´s are meeting free days.
Although all the examples are work based, the techniques are effective when communicating across different domains.
Homework:
- Choose a boundary to communicate. Start with an easy, uncomplicated one.
- Experiment on your own using the different the techniques from above.
- Choose which one you feel most comfortable and confident. Now use it.
Once you have successfully communicated your boundary, then it is important to align your behaviours to it.
Respect
We don´t have control over whether our boundaries get tested or crossed. However, we can increase the likelihood that they are understood and respected. Following the process outlined in DEAR should help, but I would say that one of the most effective things for this is to respect your own boundaries by aligning what you say with what you do.
Here are some ways to help you uphold your boundaries:
· Ask yourself – “If I say yes to this then what I am saying no to?”
My boss wants me to work late on Wednesday. If I say yes, then I can´t pick up my friend´s daughter from school.
· Say no – if this is difficult for you then follow it up with what you are prepared to do.
No, I can´t meet the deadline. But I will give you all the data I have.
· Ask questions before you compromise on a boundary. There will be times when you need to be flexible.
How important is it that I attend the meeting? What is the time commitment to do this project? How much flexibility is there to reduce X so I can do Y?
· Discomfort over resentment – if you choose to avoid the discomfort of respecting your own boundary then you open yourself up to feeling resentment in the relationship or about the situation.
When you respect your own boundaries, others are more inclined to follow suit.
Homework:
- Pick one of the techniques that resonates with you.
- Practice doing it. Initially you might want to try it in situations or relationships where the stakes are low.
And there you have it. The DEAR boundaries process. As with all things, take what is useful for you in this article and leave aside what isn´t.
One last thing. Boundaries aren´t about putting up impenetrable walls between people and attacking when they are crossed. I see boundaries as signposts that enable us to conduct relationships and interactions in a way that allows us to thrive. For this to happen successfully we need to be open, flexible, curious, and kind.
Good luck
Emma