This piece is for all those people who give advice. Now, if you have just casually discounted yourself from that group, I would like to ask you a question. How many times in the last week or two has someone told you about a problem or a challenge they were facing, and you listened, asked them questions, listened some more, and not once did any words of advice pass you lips? I am not saying you don’t do this, but I am also guessing that you probably tend to give advice more than you realise. I am fairly confident in making that assumption because we all do it, an awful lot. In fact, I am doing it right now.
Before I continue, I want to avoid any misunderstanding. Offering advice can be crucial and incredibly useful, and therefore, I am not advocating that we stop doing it. However, I am suggesting that we rethink how we do it and, more importantly, resist it being our default response as soon as someone tells us about a problem, whether it be a family member, friend or colleague, and especially when we feel that we have more expertise or experience in the subject at hand. Remember, I am not saying don’t give it, just to rethink our way of doing it.
When someone tells you, for example, they are overwhelmed at work, or that they are feeling upset because of XXX… or that they feel stressed because they don’t have any time to do X,Y, Z, etc., it’s natural to want to help them. “Have you tried doing YYY?”, “Maybe if you do XXX…”, “Why don’t you ZZZ”, “XYZ really worked for me…” are just some of the plethora of ways we might do it. Your advice might be welcome, timely and extremely useful; however, it also might not be, and even if it is useful there are alternative approaches to giving it which can be more beneficial for the recipient.
What are some of the pitfalls of giving advice?
Firstly, we tend to offer it too soon. One of the dangers of jumping in straight away with advice is that we can miss the real problem and thereby end up solving the wrong one. Coaches, therapists and even doctors will tell you that clients often present A as a problem when in fact it is B. That is why, good ones will ask for more information.
Secondly, we can forget to take into consideration that have access to a different skill set, knowledge base, life experiences, belief system, etc, to the person we are giving advice to. This at times makes our great advice not so practical, relevant or achievable for the person receiving it.
Thirdly, and some of us are guilty of this, we give rather than offer advice. What I mean by this is we tell the other person the solution without checking with them that they actual want to hear our words of wisdom.
So how do you make sure your advice is wanted, needed and helpful?
Michael Bungay-Stanier, author of “The Advice Trap”, offers a simple solution, stay curious a little bit longer. Staying curious is about listening to what the person is saying and what they are not saying, asking them open questions that shed more light on the situation and listening to their answers. I told you it was simple.
If after this you feel that you have something additional to contribute which might be useful, then ask the person if they would like to hear it or whether they have everything they need. This gives them a choice and increases the likelihood the advice will be welcome. Obviously, there are occasions when it is essential to give advice and it is even in the job description, like a doctor advising a patience on the need to reduce their cholesterol, or a professor advising a student how to do statistics (this is the advice I current need). However, even in these situations, staying curious a little bit longer will improve how well the advice is received.
Why is this approach more useful than just giving advice?
It avoids the three pitfalls mentioned above. By listening and asking questions you not only elicit more information to uncover what the heart of the problem is, but you help the person to access more clarity about what they need to resolve it. When the issue is clearly articulated, the person is in a better position to identify and breakdown the key challenges into manageable sized chucks. This usually inspires and generates ideas about possible solutions to their problem and how to prioritise them.
By staying curious a little bit longer, you support someone to find their own solutions or discover the gaps that they need help to fill, which is not only empowering, but it increases motivation levels and the likelihood that the chosen solution is more relevant for them. Don’t underestimate your role in this, it is essential. You provide the space, the questions and support for this to happen. The coaching process is built on this…well it is more complex, but this is an intrinsic part.
What next?
Practice it and see if it works. Again, I’m not saying never offer advice, there will always be moments when it is needed, wanted and invaluable. If someone asks you for advice then feel free to give it, just make sure you’re clear on what the real problem is and take into consideration the person’s needs and abilities.
Next time you feel the urge to give advice, remember how satisfying it is when you find a solution to your own problems and the positive impact this has on your confidence and self-efficacy; that’s what you’re enabling someone else to access when you stay curious just a little bit longer.
Well now that I have done myself out of a job as a coach, all that’s left to say is, good luck with resisting the temptation to jump in and fix everything straight away.