If you´re stuck on “finding” your purpose, then this article aims to unstick you. What I want to offer you is a way to look at purpose that is realistic, less burdensome, more flexible and, dare I say, “healthy”, so that you can freely define and fulfil yours.
There are several reasons that I am inspired to tackle this topic. Firstly, I am someone who has been in a tizz many times trying to answer the question, “What is my purpose?”. I´ve been envious of people who have “found” theirs. Recently, I´ve observed my husband, since resigning from his job, feeling lost and purposeless. And finally, in my work as a coach, I regularly see clients getting stuck and frustrated and even feeling valueless trying to “find” theirs. There is a great deal of pressure on us to have a neatly articulated purpose and to be striving towards it constantly. No wonder people feel overwhelmed, frustrated, lost and directionless when they don´t have one or when theirs has become redundant. All of this made me keen to find out if there was an alternative way to approach our sense of purpose and make it more readily accessible. You´ll be glad to know that I think I´ve found a few.
But don´t get me wrong, I am not diminishing the importance of having a purpose. There is an abundance of research indicating how crucial it is for our mental health, emotional, and yes, physical well-being. However, somehow knowing all this also piles on the pressure. Therefore, I want to relieve some of that pressure and put you in a position where you can explore and define your purpose with ease, flexibility, and enthusiasm in a way that doesn´t, ironically, have a detrimental impact on your wellbeing.
Let´s start with…
What is purpose?
Everyone reading this will have a slight variation of what the word “purpose” means and how we interpret it will influence how we approach it. Therefore, at this stage I think it´s worth highlighting some aspects of its meaning. Does your definition include any of these?
- What makes you happy
- Something you excel at
- Something that expresses your uniqueness
- Your intention behind doing something
- An aim outside yourself
- Your intention to do something in the world
- Serving something bigger than yourself
- A goal
- All of the above
I don´t know about you but when I initially read these statements, I felt even more confused about what purpose meant. There are obviously similar themes: meaning, intention and impact beyond oneself. However, there are also some differences: goal, mindset. Therefore, for clarity and to help us move forward, I would like to offer the following definition which I think reflects accurately the meaning of purpose for the context in which we are using it in this article:
“…intention to accomplish something that is at once personally meaningful and at the same time leads to productive engagement with some aspect of the world beyond the self.”
John Templeton Foundation
I propose using this definition as a kind of litmus test when exploring your purpose. Keep coming back to it by asking yourself, “Is this meaningful to me?” and “How does it contribute positively to the world outside of me?”
Now before we move on to looking closely at your purpose there are some pitfalls when defining and trying to live our purpose that you need to be aware of. In the next part of the article, I will highlight what appear to be the main sticking points and offer some suggestions on how to get unstuck.
Stuck on purpose?
Earlier I talked about the pressure that surrounds having a purpose and how that can hinder and influence how we approach ours. The overriding sense that we must have a purpose and it needs to be the right one can make us feel stuck. Well, here are several culprits that contribute to that sense of “stuckness” (I think I´ve just invented that word) and some recommendations on how to avoid or minimise them:
- Finding purpose
Throughout this article I have purposefully avoided using the word “find” when referring to purpose. Instead, I have opted for “define”. It is only a subtle difference, but it´s significant enough to warrant attention.
When we talk about “finding our purpose” it has connotations that it is lost, that it is out there just waiting to be discovered, it´s our destiny, we don´t have a choice what it is, we can´t control it etc. This definitely seems like it could contribute significantly to the sense of frustration, hopelessness, lack of value, etc., that we can experience when we don´t have a purpose and/or can´t articulate it.
Research tells us that by changing the language we use and reframing how we see things (still based on the reality of the situation) we can experience different emotions, thoughts and behaviours.
Recommendation:
- Change the language you use – I haven´t found my purpose yet” – change to “I haven´t defined my purpose yet”. “I´ve lost my purpose” – change to “I need to redefine my purpose”
Restricting purpose
Most of us tie our purpose to one aspect of our lives and for many of us this is our career/job/work. Therefore, when things change in this domain, and they will do, it has a great impact on our sense of purpose and value. If we lose our job, change careers, retire, do a job we don´t like, etc, we can feel unfulfilled, empty, that there is a lack of meaning in our lives, etc.
People who embed their purpose across different areas of their life minimise the sense of loss and distress when something changes in one area, as the others still give them an outlet to realise theirs.
Recommendation:
- Explore how your purpose(s) can be realised in different areas of your life. “How can I incorporate my purpose in my social, leisure, work and home life?”
Fixing and holding on to purpose
Many people share the belief that their purpose is fixed, i.e., that we have one purpose and once we´ve defined it then that´s it for life. However, I would argue that as we move through life and our priorities and values change, it makes sense that our purpose does too. Fixing our purpose can limit us and risks it not aligning with what we find meaningful. Saying this doesn´t mean that you must constantly change your purpose, the aim is to open up the possibility to adapt yours if it is no longer true for you.
If we accept that we can define our purpose (#1), that we can apply it across different areas of our life (#2) and that it can change (#3), then we begin to view purpose in a more flexible, lighter and manageable way. We start to reduce the need to hold onto it at all costs and instead open ourselves up to more opportunities. For example, when I moved to the other side of the world, I felt like I had lost my purpose because mine had been entirely tied to my career back home. Without a job I felt adrift, lost and purposeless. My fixed purpose didn´t fit into my new life. What was I to do?
Recommendation:
- When defining your purpose consider more than one.
- Review it regularly to check if it still represents what matters to you.
- Be willing to let go of your “original” purpose, to revaluate it, redefine it so that it represents changes in your priorities, values and life circumstances. Explore how to include it in other aspects of your life
This is what I should have done…I eventually did but it took me a while to unstick myself.
The remainder of the article I will dedicate to helping you define your purpose. However, if you feel that you want to go it alone and can approach it with ease, flexibility and enthusiasm, then you can stop reading now.
How to define your purpose
As a coach I am going to use my favourite tool to help you explore your purpose. This tool is Questions. The questions below will help you gain more clarity on what is meaningful to you and how this contributes to others. Remember to approach this process with lightness and fun.
Step 1: Gathering a meaningful list.
Pick one question from below that resonates with you and answer it. Write or record your answers, so that you can read or play them back. When you have finished ask yourself, “And what else?” Just to see if anything else comes up:
- What matters to you?
- What do you like to spend your time doing?
- What do you do that is enjoyable and challenging at the same time?
- If you had free reign, what would you like to do with your time?
- When do you find yourself in “flow”?
- What are your non-negotiables in life?
- What do you value?
- What brings you satisfaction?
Step 2: Refining the list.
Reflecting on your answers, prioritise the top 3 in order of importance, “Which three truly reflect what is important and meaningful to you?”.
Step 3: Identifying the meaning
The following step is inspired by Hal Gregson´s Question Burst, (adapted slightly). It helps to distil what really matters. There are four steps, I recommend you doing them all.
- Take your top priority from Step 2 and ask yourself: “Why does this matter to me?” Be sure to write or record your answer.
- Now, take your answer to question 1 above, and, ask yourself “Why does this reason I gave matter to me?”
- Now do the same with your answer from question 2: “Why does this reason I gave matter to me?”
- And once again for question 3, “Why does that reason matter to me?”
Step 4: Bigger than self
Your final answer from the last exercise should provide you with the very essence of what you find meaningful. The following step is to explore how it relates to the world beyond you. (Remember our definition of purpose)
- Who, other than me, does this impact on?
- How does this impact on them?
Step 5: The intention
Reflecting on all your answers:
- What new insights have you gained about what you find meaningful?
- What areas of your life could you create opportunities in to generate this meaning and have productive engagement with others?
By doing this exercise you have got the material to begin to define with clarity and conviction your purpose(s). Remember, it isn´t about finding it, it´s about defining it so that it reflects what is meaningful for you at this moment in your life. Don´t get stuck on only having one constant purpose, allow it to change and evolve as you do. Hold it lightly, enjoy it and make an intention to do it.