At the risk of stating the obvious here, everyone reading this article has and will experience events in their lives that are difficult, painful and traumatic; it is part of being human. However, how we respond to these events and move on from them will depend on our resilience.
Earlier this year I was moved by the number of conversations I was having with people in which they expressed an overwhelming sense of desperation for the pandemic to end. A lot of people felt that they had used up all of their mental and emotion reserves due to the impact of the events of 2020. Some felt apprehensive about what would happen next, others felt a lack of control and others alone, etc. The word resilience came up a lot in those conversations. This prompted me to do research into the concept and, in particular, what we could do to build it.
In this article I want to share what I discovered in the hope that it provides you with some useful insight into your own resilience and how you can begin to unlock it.
One of the first things I discovered was that there is not a simple one-size-fits-all model to resilience. Experts in the field suggest a personalised approach which takes into account each individual’s context, past experiences and skills. And instead of “building” resilience, what we need to learn is how to use our experiences and skills in a flexible way to enhance our resilience.
So, what is resilience? The definition you get depends on who you ask. For example, the wordcloud at the beginning of this article represents definitions from people who participated in my resilience workshops. And below are some more definitions from resilience experts.
- The process and outcome of successfully adapting to difficult or challenging life experiences, especially through mental, emotional, and behavioural flexibility and adjustment to external and internal demands. The American Psychological Association (APA)
- The resumption of a healthy developmental path (after a traumatic event). Boris Cyrulnik
- The process to harness resources to sustain well-being. Dr Catherine Panter-Brick
- The stable trajectory of healthy functioning after a highly adverse event. Dr George Bonanno
How would you define resilience? Once you have your definition, use it as a barometer when assessing how resilient you feel, and reference it when identifying the skills you need to enhance it.
As many definitions as there are for resilience, there are even more when it comes to what factors impact on it. To help you navigate this I have selected the five factors that psychologists and professionals identify as being important in supporting resilience. These factors are versatile and will put you in a better position when facing a difficult or challenging situation, they also positive contribute to our sense of wellbeing as well as resilient.
Nurturing Close relationships.
This was one of the most cited. At any stage in our development, interpersonal connections and attachment are important. A secure support network which we can turn to increases the feeling of being in control, reduces the feeling of isolation and improves self-esteem. When we have trusting relationships, be it with friends, family, community, support groups, etc., they provide a platform for motivation and confidence to deal with stress or adversity. Studies on the brain using neuroimaging show that talking to people whom we trust changes the way the brain functions and re-activates key areas that may have been damaged or shut down by trauma. People show more resilience when they receive support from others and are able to talk about their experiences.
Make a list your support network. How can you make better use of those on the list in times of difficultly? Who else might you add onto that list?
Positive attitude and optimism.
The meaning we give to things transforms the way in which we feel about them. Therefore, tuning into the positives after a difficult event, and avoiding catastrophising and asking “why me?” are crucial. The latter contributes to the feeling of powerlessness which inhibits our ability to be resilient. However, when we look for the “positives” we gain access to more possibilities, a sense of control and different perspectives, all of which help us move forward instead of holding us back. There are many techniques that cultivate positive attitudes. The one I like and have recently started practising is reframing. Reframing is simply looking at a situation or experience from a new perspective with the aim of giving us access its positive side, no matter how small or obscure. In my article on Gratitude, I describe three techniques: Negative visualisation, Translife mediation and Last time mediation.
Think of a situation in the near future that you feel will be challenging for you. What are the challenges? What other way could you view the situation?
Learning from past experiences.
Past experiences are invaluable in preparing us for future challenges and difficult situations. Evidence suggests that resilience is associated with the ability to use a variety of coping strategies for different circumstances and then learning from what worked and what didn´t so that those strategies can be adapted for new challenges.
What skills in the past have helped you overcome a difficult event? How could you apply and adapt those skills to a challenge you are facing?
Finding purpose and promoting control.
In order to (re)gain a sense of purpose, particularly after a traumatic event, we need time to reflect and understand what has happened. Once you´ve gained this insight you can then look forward and begin to identify what´s next. To help this process focus your attention on what you can change about your current situation. Part of resilience is about identifying the areas that you can control and then making the changes to move you closer to where you want your life to be.
When we talk about finding a purpose this isn´t about finding out the meaning of your life. It is simply about looking at your situation and identifying what you want and what choices you have, which promotes a sense of control. For example, I’ve identified that I want to connect more to nature, therefore, once a week I go for a walk in the countryside, and if that isn´t possible I go to the nearest park.
What 3 things can you do this month to help you feel a sense of purpose?
Being compassionate.
This might be one of the hardest things on this list to do, yet it is extremely important in terms of our resilience and our general wellbeing. Studies show that when we show compassion to ourselves, we are more likely to take risks, bounce back after setbacks quicker, express higher levels of satisfaction in our lives, and increase our self-confidence. When practicing self-compassion, firstly we need to recognise and accept what we are feeling, without running away from it; and then we should acknowledge that this is part of what it is to be human, i.e., we´re not alone and finally, rather instead of judging ourselves, practice kindness.
Become aware of your self-talk. Ask yourself “How would I speak to a friend if they were going through this?” Then talk to yourself as if you were that friend.
Pay attention to your behaviour and thoughts. During times of stress and challenges we can often do things that keep us trapped in negative emotions. Therefore, try asking yourself “Is what I am doing helping or harming me?”. If it´s harming you, stop it!
For those of you that are interested in exploring resilience further, I offer a practical workshop on resilience called “Unlocking Resilience”. It offers more insight into your resilience and gives practical techniques to help you better prepare for adversity and the thrive after facing it. For more information on the date and time of the next workshop go here.
Good luck and keep safe
Emma